Change has been my constant companion for the past five years. I’ve lost my house, my marriage, and a J.O.B. that provided a steady paycheck in exchange for heart-numbing work. Most recently, the spiritual community I called home for nearly five years closed its doors and is in the process of folding. Through it all, I’ve attempted to step into the next unknown with courage and grace, trying to release the thought of how it’s ‘supposed to be’. I’d like to say that I’ve always accomplished that task with ease, but sometimes things get messy. That’s just a part of the human condition. I breathe, glean the important lessons, and move forward.So I’m finding it more than a little bit funny that when I was beginning to think I had this ‘letting go’ thing down, the Beloved decides to provide me with yet another opportunity to test my metal. I found out today that a long-term investment which I had planned on utilizing to seed my retirement is no longer a valid source without a substantial reinvestment. In fact, it’ll just plain disappear. I’m mad, I’m sad, I’m disappointed. “What are you trying to tell me God? I want to know. And, did I mention it’s my birthday? Ughhh…”
I cry a LOT, wash the tears off my face, and then start crying again. I realize that I’m scared and feeling panicky about my future. Should I look on Craigslist for a part-time job? Should I move to another state where the cost of living is lower? I query the Universe for answers, “How much farther to go? Must I be completely vulnerable and naked to catch a break here?” Then, I realize that this very moment is all I have. It is where my point of power resides. I breathe in deeply and am filled with nothing short of exploding love and gratitude for ‘what IS’. “Bring it! I won’t back away.”
Though my life choices of late have not been completely orthodox, I’ve come too far to turn tail and run. Sometimes it’s our expectations and not our motivations that need relaxing. I finally release my breath (not realizing I’ve been holding it) and can feel Spirit cradling me and nudging me toward something bigger than myself. Something amazing!
I smile as the pounding of construction below me begins once again and a delivery truck’s back-up beeper rings in my ears. But, that’s a story for another day.